Thursday, January 20, 2011

Family First

The last couple of years I have been consistently reminded of this simple truth: take care of family before you take care of other people. Today was another day in which I was reminded of that. Our professor said, “If you’re doing the work of God and you’re neglecting your own family then you aren’t doing the work of God.” Jesus had a mom and brothers and at some point the Scriptures stop talking about Joseph and only mention them. Scholars assume it is because Joseph has died at this point and Mary is a widow. Jesus doesn’t start His ministry until He is thirty and in the meantime scholars assume He is working as a handyman, taking care of mom. I’ve never thought about that. How did Jesus take care of His family? He gets a bad rap for Matthew 12:48 when He says, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” It’s almost like Jesus doesn’t care when people tell Him His family is outside but at the cross we get a different picture. “When Jesus saw His mother and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, ‘Woman, behold, your son!’ Then He said to the disciple, ‘Behold, your mother!’ And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home (John 19:26-27).” He made sure that before He died He had someone taking care of His mother. I think it is safe to assume that when He does things like He did in Matthew 12:48 He is trying to make a point about the family of the Kingdom of God, but that John 19:26-27 show how Jesus really treated His mother. All too often I make the mistake of sacrificing my family on the altar of ministry and it shouldn’t be like this. That thought process all happened sitting within an old synagogue in the city of Capernaum, where Jesus lived after Nazareth (Matthew 4:13-16).

The synagogue in Capernaum is not amazing just because it is a synagogue, but because it is a synagogue in which Jesus Himself had been. Mark 1:21-22 explains that He taught in this synagogue and that people were astonished with what He was teaching. In fact, continue reading Mark 1 and you find out that Jesus healed a man with an unclean spirit there. Absolutely mind-boggling to be sitting on the ruins of a place Jesus was not only in but taught in. After that we climbed down the cliffs of Arbel, a place involved in the rebellion of the Jews and Herod killing all of them. It was more of a hiking trail than an incredible historical site for me. We climbed down some sheer rock wall using handles and ropes built into the side of the cliff. It was a blast to rock-climb like that. We also did it when we visited the aqueduct that Herod built to bring water to Caesarea.

Speaking of Caesarea, this old city was my favorite city of the trip. Right along the coast of the Mediterranean Sea this city built by Herod the Great out of nothing is gorgeous. Herod had a palace right on the edge of the water that must have been breathtaking. Acts 10 recounts the story of Peter being called by Cornelius, a centurion who feared God. Verses 9-16 explain a vision that Peter has about unclean animals but taking into consideration the surrounding context it does not seem to be talking about food to eat. After all, there is a group of Gentile soldiers coming to take Peter to Caesarea. These unclean people, these Gentiles, are obviously not Jews and God is telling Peter to not call unclean what God has made clean. God is talking about them! God is telling Peter that the Gospel is for all people, not just the Jews. It is a recurring theme among the Jews to believe that they are special and everyone else is terrible. God flips that on its head constantly by letting them know that really His plan all along was for the world, they were just the instruments. Herod’s palace in Caesarea is also where Paul spoke and was heard by multiple Roman officials in Acts 23:12-26:32. We were standing in the city where Peter and Paul preached. It was absolutely incredible to end the trip on this note. The last three weeks have been a whirlwind of learning and astonishment and thinking and wrestling with misconceptions and old ideas and new ideas. It has been a trip that will stick in my mind for the rest of my life and as I study my Bible and get ready to preach from it I will have the places we have visited in my mind’s eye constantly.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Bridegroom Preparing a Room

We sailed on the Sea of Galilee today, an unexpected but pleasant surprise. In between waving at fishermen and enjoying the view we discussed fishing and Jesus. Luke 5:1-11 recounts the moment that James, John, and Simon Peter left everything they had and followed Jesus. But one of the things that struck me was how Jesus handled the whole matter. He did not tell them that what they were doing was bad or worthless rather before they followed Him He gave them one of their biggest catches yet. As our professor said, Jesus did not disregard or place work lower on the ladder of significance, He redeemed it. He took their skills and made them fishers of men. Another important thing to note is that the fisherman’s job is to kill. All day long he kills fish and sells it. Jesus changed it up. He made the fishermen into shepherds and the job of the shepherd is to preserve life. He stays with his flock through thick and thin and takes care of them. From the Sea of Galilee (which is more of a lake) we went to the region of Gergesa.

Gergesa may not sound familiar but the people of that town were known as Gergesenes, ring any bells? No? Your Bible may call them Gadarenes? Or Gerasenes? Anyways, Luke 8:26-39 has the story if you are wondering. In short, it is where a man possessed by, let’s say a lot, of demons is healed by Jesus and people freak out. This man was a monster. The Bible records that no one could hold him down with chains or subdue him. Jesus casts out the demons and the people ask him to leave, obviously. The sheer power that Jesus has to have to do this probably made the people tremble violently. But what I want to point is that when Jesus is leaving the man comes up to Jesus and begs Him to let him come. I mean, it makes sense. He had been an outcast for so long and Jesus had just turned his life upside down, why stay? Jesus has a track record for telling people to keep quiet when He does something great, yet in this passage He tells the man to go and tell people what God had done for him. What a concept, a Gentile missionary to the Gentiles. That must have rattled some of the disciples’ cages.

We moved from Gergesa to a lookout point over the Sea of Galilee and looked at Matthew 5:14. Scholars suggest that the city Jesus is referring to is known as Hippus, a Roman city prominently set up on a hill right by the Sea of Galilee. People from miles around could see it. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. The view was beautiful and it was a good reminder of how Christians are to be a pronounced blessing on others. Yet, my favorite part of the tour today was sitting in a rebuilt Jewish home from the fourth century AD. John 14:1-4 talks about Jesus going away to prepare a place for us. Unfortunately for everyone who grew up in Sunday School this doesn’t mean we all get a mansion in Heaven (I don’t know where that idea came from but it’s a pretty ridiculous one if you think about it, a mansion all for yourself? How boring). In the Jewish culture when a guy and a gal are going to get married they have a yearlong engagement period where they are basically married but not living together. It is extremely serious and during that time the groom is building a room to add onto his father’s house for his wife and himself. In that day they just built a new room rather than moving down the street and creating a sitcom (Everybody Loves Raymond reference? Really?). The kicker is that the room is not ready ergo the marriage does not officially occur until the groom’s father says it is. Meanwhile the bride is making all sorts of blankets and whatnot for their marriage but she is waiting for the day when the trumpets blast and the groom comes down the road to her house and takes her away to the wedding feast at his house. But that does not happen until the father tells his son that the room is ready. Jesus goes to prepare a place for us and before He promises that He says that in His Father’s house are many rooms, not cul-de-sacs with mansions, but rooms. The Son does not know the time, only the Father knows (Mark 13:32). Consistently throughout the New Testament we see the Church explicitly referenced to as the bride of Christ. He is preparing a room for us and we will not live down the street from each other but in close proximity, as a family. May this causes us to cry out in anticipation, “Lord, come quickly!”

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Danger in Symbols and Social Justice

We all know there is something special about the water from the Jordan River. It has a distinct golden glow about it and it gives immortality to whoever carries it around in a bottle. Well, that last part may not be true but the rest of it surely is, or you would have thought it was by the way people made a point of going down to the river’s edge to bottle some of the “Holy” water. A danger everyone faces at some point in their Christian walk is how to deal with symbols. From Catholics to Protestants, Charismatics to Baptists, symbols run rampant in our religious cultures. It has become much more pronounced for me while in Israel because absolutely everything is a symbol. The Holy Sepulcher Church has people kissing marble remembering where they laid Jesus. Jacob’s well sells decorated containers of water remembering the place where Jesus met the Samaritan woman. And now people bottle the water from the Jordan remembering where Jesus was baptized. All of these symbols are great as long as they stay symbols and point to Christ and ultimately to God. But symbols lose their value when they become more important than that which they symbolize. When symbols cease to point people to God they become useless and in some cases become demonic. They take the glory for themselves and attempt to rob God of His glory or rather people attribute glory to them that is to be given to God. I enjoy symbols. I think in symbols. Symbols, like I said earlier, are “pictures” to remind us of how much we miss God. They are to cause our hearts to cry out, “Maranatha, come quick Lord!” But we have the tendency to make symbols more than that and we must take care that this does not happen, especially in Israel where everything is a symbol of Christ.

As you can guess the Jordan River sparked some thoughts in my mind but we went other places today too. The city of Dan is found amidst springs springing from Mount Hermon where water flows from the rocks at an intense 22.5 gallons a second. It is the largest spring in the Middle East and was absolutely gorgeous to walk around. When we made it into the ruins of the city that have been excavated we had a chance to sit in the city gate. Throughout the Scriptures important transactions and judgments happen in the city gate as was customary in that culture and we began to talk about justice. The first thing we noted was that justice is public. Elders are called to the city gate and matters are settled before those walking in and out of the city and before God in Heaven (Ruth 4:1-2). The second thing observed is that the Israelite culture and the Scriptures see justice differently than we might perceive it. The Western mentality is that of retribution. Justice is blind and people must pay back damages for the crimes they have committed but in the culture of the Israelites justice is all about equilibrium. It is all about what is best for the community and what is best so that everything remains balanced and at peace. Take a look at Deuteronomy 22:28-29, “If a man meets a virgin who is not betrothed, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are found, then the man who lay with her shall give to the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he has violated her. He may not divorce her all his days.” Seizing a virgin and lying with her is not cuddling, he raped her and now she has to live with him. We cry, “Kill him!” The Bible cries, “Marry her!” Confused? What happens if this man does not marry her? She is without hope of ever being married and bearing a son that would take care of her. She is no longer a virgin and her only hope is that her father lets her stay with the family and takes care of her, but for how long? This man has taken everything from her in a moment and the Bible forces him to take responsibility for her. He is now forced to provide for her and he can never get rid of her. She now has the opportunity to bear a son to take care of her and she is no longer without hope. Justice is served. Balance is reached.

After Dan we arrived at Caesarea Philippi, the setting for Matthew 16:13-20 where Jesus asks the poignant question, “Who do you say that I am?” Matthew 17:1-13 documents the story of the Transfiguration of Jesus and it says that Jesus went up to a high mountain. He was just in Caesarea Philippi and it is very likely that the high mountain is Mount Hermon, which is right there. Very cool idea to imagine that, to allow the mountain to become a symbol of the Christ in all His glory. We ended the day at Ben-Tal and all I remember (due to a combination of being tired and it being the best thing I have heard all day) is that the first “Gospel” was the Old Testament. I never thought about the apostles preaching from the Old Testament. I never imagined them opening up the Scriptures and explaining how all this time God has been setting up the redemption of all things and it finds its fulfillment in Jesus. The Jews who realize that Jesus is Messiah can tell their brothers and sisters that they finally understand what God has been doing. Throughout this entire class I have realized that the Jews of the Scriptures (because those are the only Jews I have interacted with) believe they deserve God’s blessing. What they, and inevitably I, don’t realize is that they, and I, have been blessed TO bless. The Jews are special because God picked them, God did not pick them because they are special. And what Jesus brings to light is that the whole point of everything that God has done and is doing through them is to provide redemption for the world. God was not just saving the Jews but Gentiles as well. What a scandalous message to those who believe they are better and more deserving than everyone else. What a humbling message.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Good that Came Out of Nazareth (John 1:46)

THIS IS…Galilee. Of the Gentiles. Where Saul and Jonathan died. Where Elijah sarcastically ridiculed the prophets of Baal. Where widows receive their sons back from death. Where Jesus grew up. Now I know the previous sentences are not sentences technically, but they are for effect. I wish I could attach dramatic music to this to prove my point. Galilee is a big deal and today we started our tour of it.

We began at Bethshan, an early Canaanite city that fell to the Egyptians by Thutmoses III and was then occupied by the Philistines after him. On Mount Gilboa, right by Bethshan of the Philistines, Saul and his sons, including Jonathan, died (1 Samuel 31:4). His body was brought back to Bethshan and fastened to the wall there (1 Samuel 31:10) but the men of Jabesh-Gilead came by night and took Saul’s body as well as the body of Jonathan and burned it at Jabesh-Gilead (1 Samuel 31:12). In all honesty, it was mildly interesting to see this area but the best is yet to come.

From Bethshan we moved to Megiddo, the believed site of “Armageddon.” I say believed because it is such a common notion that I can’t ignore it and after what I heard today I cannot adhere to it. First and foremost, Armageddon is a name found in Revelation 16:14-16 and no one knows where “Armageddon” is. John writes as if it is a name transliterated from the Hebrew, but we have no idea of any city named Armageddon. So, being good toponomists (those who study the names of places across languages) scholars figure it could be Har-Megiddon (the mount of Megiddo), but the problem with that is there is no mountain at Megiddo! We could go on and on but the biggest argument against Megiddo being the last place of the end times is that there is nothing important at Megiddo! No one cares about an old city. There is nothing of value around it. But the argument becomes pointless after that (including where “Armageddon” really is). The end times are going to happen, trust Jesus. That’s all. What happened of significance at Megiddo? I’m glad you asked. The story of Deborah and Barak found in Judges 4 happens on Mount Tabor right by Megiddo. In one of the most action-packed stories of the Old Testament, Jael, the wife of Heber, drives a tent peg through the temple of Sisera, the commander of the Canaanite armies, and kills him. Oh, but it gets better.

After Megiddo, we went on top of the Mount Carmel ridge and looked down upon the Jezreel valley. Does the name Mount Carmel ring any bells? Of course! It is where Elijah asked the prophets of Baal if Baal was too busy on the toilet to answer their cries (There is definitely more to the story than that but that’s my favorite part). In the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal (found in 1 Kings 17-18) a few things are interesting to note. First and foremost, the land is in a season of drought because Elijah told Ahab that it would not rain anymore until Elijah prayed. In the story he has the people of Israel drench his altar with water from the Kishon. He had them use precious water, and a lot of it, for his sacrifice. Elijah may have been showing the Israelites how to have faith in God and how they would have to sacrifice to come back to Him after following Baal. The other thing to note is that the sacrifice was a bull. Baal is portrayed as a god of fertility and his image is that of a bull. I can imagine the smirk on Elijah’s face as he cut the bull for the sacrifice (1 Kings 18:33). But there’s more!

The last place we visited was Nazareth and as Nathanael said I wondered, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth (John 1:46)?” It is literally in the middle of a bowl with no access to the Jezreel valley. It was poor and isolated and our Savior grew up there. This was by far my favorite part of our trip today because of the story we looked at in Luke 4:16-30. Teacher Jesus goes to the synagogue in Nazareth as an adult and as was His custom. The people expected Him there and it was not surprise to them when He stood up to read the Scriptures. By this time it is believed that the synagogues already had a set schedule for the year of what to read when. What a coincidence then that Jesus reads a Messianic prophecy that He fulfills. He reads the first two verses of Isaiah 61 and sits down. In that day the teacher sat down and taught (maybe on a stool with black square-rimmed glasses and blonde hair and…did I just make a Rob Bell reference?) and the people turned and listened. So this is what happened and Jesus said, “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing (Luke 4:21).” The people rejoiced! This is the one we have been waiting for. The rest of Isaiah 61 talks of blessing and riches. The people of Nazareth will finally be recognized and honored! And Jesus, as always, has something different in mind. In Luke 4:25-27 Jesus pointed out that God sent prophets to Gentiles instead of Israel. In not so many ways Jesus is saying God loves everyone. The Jews are only special because God chose to reveal Himself through them, but they are not superior. And immediately the crowd took Jesus to the mountain ridge we were sitting on to stone Him and He just walked through them. The Jews forgot the promise given to Abraham that through them the nations of the Earth will be blessed. They forgot that they were to be the blessing to everyone and they were waiting to be blessed. That was definitely an eye-opener for me. God has created me to love, first Him and then others. I cannot wait until He blessed me. I cannot be selfish and claim the promises of God for myself just because. I cannot seek instant gratification. I must live to love Him and others. My purpose in this life is not to be blessed but to be a blessing.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

To the Faithful Five or Steadfast Six...

Ladies and Gents,

To all five or six of you who read here I will be reading on the beach of the Sea of Galilee for the next four days and will not have access to the Internet. A joyous occasion really because I depend on the Internet for so much. It will be good to enjoy where I'm at for this last week in Jerusalem. When I get back there will be a flurry of blog posts so you can stop gasping for breath. Relax. It will come. Breathe.

Pictures will be up in about a week and a half. I'm off to go check my second test score (first was a 90%) and to enjoy cookies in the home of the Jerusalem University College President. Enjoy your days or afternoons or evenings wherever you are at.

Remember the Gospel.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Stupid Rebels...War isn't for Families!

Good evening ladies and gents. The Dead Sea was dead and so were most of the rebels in Masada. Who were the rebels in Masada, you ask? Great question!

Albert Camus asked the question, “What is a rebel? A man who says no.” The Sicarii sect of Jews was a group of men (and women) that said no. They said no to Rome. They even said no to their country-men who did not hold to their ideology. Their no was violent and it resounded in Israel’s arena on Masada for one whole year. Masada was the site of a year-long siege that the Romans placed on this group of extremists holed up in Masada. Before it was a fortress for the Sicarii though, it was a fortress/palace that Herod the Great built just in case. Just in case of what, you ask? Well, Herod was one paranoid king who built multiple “escape” palaces ICOR (in case of rebellion). All he had to do was push the big red ICOR button and he would be whisked away to one of his many palaces. But, really, he was one paranoid human being. The palace was gorgeous and had water shipped in because there was absolutely no water anywhere near Masada on a consistent basis. He built aqueducts to bring water in from the various wadis in the area when it did rain (though that was rare). His storehouses filled with food to the brim and his swimming pool filled with Roman soldiers, Herod’s palace was an absolute waste of time and money. Herod himself was only there two or three times that we know of. The Sicarii took the fortress in 66 CE (Herod only had it between 37 and 31 BCE) from the Romans and after the destruction of the Second temple more and more members of the Sicarii fled to Masada along with their families. In 72 CE a year-long Roman siege began against Masada. During the siege the Sicarii and their families enjoyed the rich storehouses of Herod as well as all the water he had stored in cisterns around the palace. The Romans had to take a day-long trip just to bring water from the Ein Gedi for the next day. As the story goes the Sicarii would taunt the Romans by jumping up on the wall and pouring water on themselves because they had so much they could waste it. Let’s just say the Romans were anxious to get inside and bust some heads.

The day came when the wall was broken through and as Josephus the Jewish Historian writes the Romans pulled away before entering the city because it was nighttime. General Eleazer ben Ya’ir gathered the men in their synagogue (one of the oldest synagogues in Israel right now) and proposed this plan: “The Romans will come tomorrow and they will kill us all and take our women and children into slavery. They will show no mercy and our women will be raped and some of them brutally killed. Let us burn almost all the food (not all of it lest they think we starved and laugh at us) and have each man kill his wife and children. Then we will select ten men by lots to kill the other men and then of those men we will select one man by lots to kill the other nine and then fall on his own sword.” Perfect! Rebels holed up in Masada almost acting surprised that Rome broke through their defenses and now they would rather kill themselves than face Rome. Some call it courage. I call it cowardice. First of all, you are a rebel against a government that owns the world at the moment. Taking your family along to your fortress does not seem wise. You are going to die and they will suffer. Second, if you were really a rebel you would be one to the day you die. Killing your family and yourself rather than fighting Rome with one last stand is not one last act of rebellion but the coward’s way out. Granted, I understand seeking to save your families from the pain Rome would brutally inflict upon them, but again they should not have been up there in the first place. The Sicarii have to be some of the stupidest rebels I have ever heard about. But it makes for a good story.

After leaving Masada shaking my head at the Sicarii I was excited to go to the springs of Ein Gedi and the Dead Sea. The waterfalls of the Ein Gedi were beautiful and along with the clear water of the spring I could definitely picture David sitting by writing various psalms to God. He could very well have done that (we can’t prove it but it is possible) and it was pretty sweet to see something like what David would have seen when writing his poetry. The Dead Sea on the other hand was, well let’s just say it was interesting. I literally sat in the water and stayed afloat through no effort of my own. The water felt like kerosene or oil all over your body and the salt definitely reminded you of every little cut you had. We rubbed the Dead Sea mud all over our bodies because it is supposed to be extremely healthy for your skin. All I know is it made a good picture.

All in all it was a great day and we ended it by “letting” ourselves into the already closed site of Qumran, where they found the Dead Sea Scrolls. Ending your day facing the National Park authorities is definitely placing an exclamation point where a period was going to go. My favorite scripture read today was Ezekiel 47:1-12. Ezekiel’s vision is of a man measuring out the temple and showing him the boundaries. In this particular instance there is a prophecy or an image (we are not sure) concerning water flowing from the temple all the way to the Dead Sea causing it become fresh. It began to thrive and even have water teeming with life. God is seen as rock, redeemer, and judge among other things but in this image He is the water that makes the Dead Sea alive. He is life-giver and sustainer. He is the one from whom all life flows. A beautiful picture of the Creator.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Don in Beersheba

Good Morning Ladies and Gents. It is currently Friday morning here and last night I did not have internet so I couldn't post. Here you go. Another one later tonight.

Abraham was the freaking Godfather. The Don. The Kingpin. What a wonderful way to start my morning. Beersheba is known as the city of the Patriarchs. In Genesis 22:19 Abraham settles there after the whole “sacrifice Isaac on the altar” incident. In Genesis 26:23 Isaac goes home to Beersheba after digging a couple wells and grazing his flocks in the surrounding area. In Genesis 28:10 we see Jacob leaving Beersheba. It is obvious that this was the home-base for the families of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. It becomes the base of operations mainly because it is right along the trade routes. In the times of the Patriarchs the way to make money, if you weren’t involved in trading, was to live along trade routes and offer “services” to travelers. Services like a place to stay and eat and protection. Abraham had three hundred and eighteen trained men with him (Genesis 14:14) and along with all of their families, it made for a big group walking through. For goodness sake he was a walking city! So when travelers came through Beersheba and had to stay the night it probably went a little something like the epic scene in the Godfather where Abraham makes them an offer they can’t refuse. With three hundred and eighteen thugs I’m pretty sure you would never refuse any offer Abraham gave you, unless you wanted an accident to happen.

After seeing where the Godfather of the Old Testament and the father of my faith did business, the next place that I enjoyed thoroughly was the Wilderness of Zin. Highlighted in the Scriptures for their prominence as the place where the Israelites wandered for forty years, the Wilderness of Zin is a scary place where rain means rushing, deadly water and slippery feet proves an easy way to fall asleep (as the Bible would say). Climbing up the side of a cliff (there were steps and handrails part of the way) was stunning. Though I wish I had the skill and opportunity to scale the wall without steps it was still a beautiful sight to see and I’m glad I had a chance to see what the Israelites saw for so long after being stubborn people before God. I would not have minded if God wanted to rain down manna from Heaven as we were walking but apart from that I really enjoyed hiking up the cliff-side.

We have a chance to catch some really incredible sights on this trip and every one of them takes my breath away causing me to think about my life. Scripture says that God has, “made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before [Him]. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath (Psalm 39:5)!” Looking over a cliff into the hills of the Wilderness of Zin, watching the sun set behind the canyon, climbing up on some of the rocks around the canyon with the imminent danger of death below you, all of these things remind me how short my life can be. It reminds me how, despite my best efforts, my life is still nothing but a blip on the grid. I am humbled before God and I realize that my life is nothing unless it is focused on Him and even then I am, as Christian rapper Lecrae says, “nothing but stardust leading to the superstar.” The Gospel is a story of redemption. It is God in Christ redeeming all men to Himself by the power of the Holy Spirit. It is not just a story of Jesus dying on the cross and coming back to life three days later but a meta-narrative from Genesis 1 to Revelation 22 in which God saves us from ourselves. We are nothing but vessels of glory for God and what a beautiful thing to do what we were created to do, to bring glory to God. Before Jesus we committed high treason against the King of the Universe and He had to sentence us to death because He is just. But because of Jesus the price is paid, God is just, and He is also able to be our loving Father. God pursues us relentlessly and the only way to surrender is through humility. We must stop thinking much of ourselves and make much of Him. Today was a day of breathtaking sights that broke my pride and led me to repentance before God. I’m still stubborn and I still have to be told by God and other people to shut up many times, but I’m gaining at ethic of repentance. I am learning what it means to seek God in all things at all times.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Sunsets and Giants


"Ahh! Salam and good evening to you worthy friend. Please, please come closer. [camera hits him in the face] Too close! A little too close. [camera backs up] There! Welcome to Agrabah!" ...err or Jerusalem (Aladdin anyone?). Enjoy Day 10's musings.

The sunset has always been one of my favorite things to watch and there is no better place to watch it than over a body of water. Today the Mediterranean Sea was that body of water. After the day we had it was a perfect end. I sat on some type of Roman ruin that jutted out of the rocks and watched the sun set with an orange/green/blue hue and I was overwhelmed with gratitude. But that isn’t what this trip to Israel is all about, sunsets happen everywhere.

Today we overlooked the valley where David fought for his people, his land, and most of all His God. After the Israelites complained and complained to Samuel for a king and Samuel explained to them what a king would do to them (1 Samuel 8:10-18), they still demanded a king i.e. Saul. Where was their king who stood a head above the rest (1 Samuel 9:2) when Goliath came knocking? Goliath, the Giant, should have been challenged by Israel’s “giant” Saul but he had a child go in his place. David knew how to fight for God, how to stand up to those who challenge the name of God. An interesting thing to note is that gods in that time were gods of geographical locations. Thus, the Philistine god was a god of the coastal plains and the Israelite god was one of the hills. 1 Samuel 17:43 says that Goliath “cursed David by his gods.” Goliath did not believe that David’s god could handle him in the valley near the coast. David was faithful to God, entrusting his life and the life of his family into His hands (because if the Philistines got through the valley triumphant Bethlehem would be one of their targets and that is where David’s family was). He defied Goliath showing that God is not a god confined to the hills but that surpasses mere human ideas and boundaries.

We went to a couple other places today such as Beth Shemesh and the Sorek valley. There were cities in the territory of Dan and Judah that were essential to the survival of the people of God. Beth Shemesh was set apart as a Levitical city in Joshua 21 and in 1 Samuel 6 it is the first city that the Ark of the Covenant reaches when the Philistines return it after taking it in one of their victories over the Israelites. The thing that impressed me the most about Beth Shemesh was the fact that the Ark of the Covenant was there. Unfortunately a couple people in that city died because they didn’t obey God, seventy people to be exact, but other than that a really interesting place. God’s ark was there at one point in time. Oh, and no big deal but Beth Shemesh is right by the sites of a couple Philistine cities which had land outside of them for crops through which Samson let 100 foxes run amuck in. That was a mouthful…I mean a handful? The foxes were tied together by their tails with a torch in between them, lit. In laymen’s terms Samson burnt all the crops of the Philistine cities possibly causing starvation among them if they did not figure something out quickly.

I saved one of the best views and insights in Israelite life in the territory of the tribe of Dan for last. The Sorek valley was absolutely gorgeous. It had lots of openings for caves and opportunity for vineyards on the side of the hills. The basic Israelite mentality in the tribe of Dan is as follows: a cave is three walls and a roof so if you find a cave, you find a house. We sat in one of the caves that probably served as one of those houses and I can only imagine the view these Israelites had when they stepped into their courtyard overlooking the Sorek. Anyways, as usual the views were incredible. We are sleeping in a youth hostel in Beersheba tonight and will go to the Dead Sea on Friday, which I am really looking forward to.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that I thoroughly enjoy going to the sites when we read the passages of Scripture in which they are important. Otherwise they are just another historical site to me. The Scriptures come alive as we read them in the places that they are naming. I can see the soldiers coming down and massacring the Philistines when Goliath was killed. I can see Samson letting burning foxes run through the grain fields of the Philistines. I can see all of this and I’m glad to have seen it. More to come in the following days ladies and gents. This is still just the beginning.

Monday, January 10, 2011

A Pit-Stop at the Well and Afternoon Dead Sea Scroll Reading. Just Another Day in Jerusalem.

“Shepherd’s Log, January 10th in the Year of our Lord 2011. Today I went down to the well of our father Jacob. Had to park my sheep outside of the Greek Orthodox Church above the well but it was worth it. I took pictures with my iPhone and those will come later but it was worth it. I can’t believe that after all these years Father Jacob’s (I use the American way of spelling it for the sake of clarity) well is still available. Though they have built a church, a beautiful one at that, over it I am still so impressed by all the history that a well can possess. I remember the stories my grandfather would tell me that his grandfather told him that his grandfather told him and on and on until some woman told him (him being my great-great-great-…..grandfather). She told him about Jesus and how He guessed her whole life’s story. It was a trick, I’m sure of it. Those Jews are always trying to take advantage of us. I stoned one yesterday. I’m pretty sure that old man won’t be coming around Samaria any time soon. Serves him right…”

Good evening from Jerusalem. I hope your day has gone/is going well and that the Gospel of our Savior has led you to repentance and joy more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. Today we visited multiple memorable sites including Jacob’s well and Mount Gerizim. In the New Testament Jacob’s well is associated with the story of the Samaritan woman at the well (cf. John 4:12). I was attacked by the idea that Jesus had been there and for the rest of the morning that is all I could think about. I hung out around the well that Jesus drank at, spoke at, changed a woman’s heart at (who consequently changed an entire town’s heart) and I remembered what the Gospel was all about. Jesus saw through the woman’s make-up covering the blemishes of her life (and doing a bad job at that. She was at the well at the middle of the day for goodness sake, if that doesn’t scream outcast I don’t know what does) and after revealing who she knew she was He offered life. He reached out when He saw her heart, when He heard her say, “I know that Messiah is coming (he who is called Christ). When he comes, he will tell us all things (John 4:25).” He knew she was looking. Jesus doesn’t beat around the bush. “I who speak to you am he (4:26).” It doesn’t get any clearer than that.

My day did not end there. After Jacob’s well we made our way to Mount Gerizim. Deuteronomy 27:11-13 explains that half of Israel stood on Mount Gerizim to bless the people and half on Mount Ebal to warn of the curse. We stood on Mount Gerizim today and looked across a valley to Mount Ebal. The people of God stood these mountains and pronounced the blessings of Deuteronomy 28:1-14 and the curses of 28:15-68. Let’s just say I was glad to stand on the mountain from which the blessings were pronounced. I’m glad God opened my eyes to His grace and I chose life.

We left Mount Gerizim and arrived at Shiloh, an archaeological and theological smash that creates black holes in universes and causes Bible majors to drool. In 1 Samuel 1-3 we find an interesting story concerning the birth of Samuel, the fall of Eli’s son’s Hophni and Phinehas, and the calling of Samuel. The Scriptures say that Samuel’s mother, Hannah, went to the temple at Shiloh (so we were standing on the ruins of where the temple, with the Holy of Holies and the Ark of the Covenant and the presence of GOD was) to pray for a son. When she gave birth to Samuel she gave him to the service of the temple under Eli. Eli’s sons screwed up big time and God killed them. With all of that going on Samuel is ministering under Eli and, as 1 Samuel 3:3 says, he was sleeping in the Holy of Holies when he was called by God. So not only was Samuel born where we were standing, but it was where, at one time, the presence of God came down. I know, I know, His presence is in all of us now, but what a place to be! I was expecting scorched ground where flowers grew that sang, “Holy, Holy, Holy” on a 24-hour basis. Sadly, no flowers, but I had a wonderful opportunity to remember that the God that came down at Shiloh has pursued me, saved me, and keeps me now by His Holy Spirit. Oh, and on another note we saw a replica of the Temple in Herod’s days today which was gorgeous. Oh, oh , oh, the Dead Sea scrolls too. No big deal.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Temptation and Compassion (Not At The Same Time Though)


Good evening from the Holy Land. It is currently 8:30 in the evening in Jerusalem and today was exhausting. We visited the sites of Old Testament and New Testament Jericho, Gezer on the coast, and the wilderness Jesus was tempted in. It rained a little but the view from the wilderness was glorious. Jericho was magnificent and Gezer had lots of ruins for a couple college guys to run around on.

I’ve seen mountains before so I wasn’t sure that I would be too impressed with hills. Yet, the moment we walked out on the hills overlooking the wilderness where Jesus was tempted all I could say was, “Wow.” The account in Matthew 4:1-11 has a very mystical feel to it. After Jesus fasted forty days the Devil comes. The first temptation is food, obviously. But then the Devil takes Him to the temple, which is not necessarily just around the corner. And then Jesus goes to a mountain overlooking the kingdoms of the world. It all has an ephemeral feeling to it, but as I stood there overlooking the wilderness I saw it. Among the Bedouin homes and flocks of sheep and goats that were out there I imagined Jesus walking among the hills. It was treacherous and it was unforgiving. He wasn’t eating anything and as my stomach growls now I remember Hebrews 4:15. He has been tempted as we are and was without sin. By the grace of God we have a High Priest who can sympathize with us!

I’ve written earlier that I’m really only impressed with the places that Jesus had been at and it held true today. We went to Jericho and though we had class in another one of Herod’s extravagant palaces all that I thought was cool was the story of Zacchaeus in Luke 19. A Jewish tax collector for the Romans, Zacchaeus, as Aubrey explained, was a paradox to say the least. Tax collecting worked like this: Caesar set the taxes that were to be collected and his officials collected them from officials who collected them in smaller regions who collected them from officials who collected in various towns and villages. You bought into the business of tax collecting because Rome was only interested in what they required, whatever you charged above that was yours to keep, so if you don’t mind being hated by the entire town you were collecting from you could make a lot of money. Now add a Jewish man into the mix and you produce a very lonely and wealthy man. Zacchaeus was hated by his people as a traitor and a cheat and was disregarded as a lowly Jewish man by the Romans. Jesus comes into town and sees the desperation in his eyes as he is watching in the Sycamore tree (which has delicious sycamore nuts by the way). He calls him down and goes to his house to have dinner. This so moved the heart of Zacchaeus that he repented and Jesus proclaimed salvation upon his house. I had never read that story with Zacchaeus in mind. I didn’t see what Jesus did for him in coming to his house. The compassion that Jesus had is absolutely remarkable and unfortunately I missed it until I actually sat in Jericho and imagined what was going on.

We saw a gate that Solomon built in Gezer and, like I mentioned earlier, another Herodian palace. I wonder if I’m the only one that feels like after a while it’s just a bunch of rocks. The only thing that brings the ruins we visit alive to me is when we read stories in the scriptures that connect to what we are seeing. Another highlight of seeing all those ruins is when we climb all over the ruins, including the Canaanite standing stones. I am excited about going to other places without boundary lines so that we can explore even more. I am very glad that our group is the adventurous type and that the guys are gung-ho about climbing on the ruins and exploring.

My insights today are few. The temptation as well as the compassion of Jesus stood out to me as we were engaging in our field study today. I saw my Savior agonize and I remember the agony that racks me when I am tempted. I remember the shame I feel when I give in and I am reminded of the price He endured because of my sin. I remember the place He has brought me from and the compassion He has had on me. I remember the times I feel alone and I am overwhelmed by His presence as I pray. It is in those times where I see the compassion and loving kindness of God that I cannot find the words to describe the love I have for Him. If I had a singing voice I would sing to Him, but I write much better than I sing so I’ll continue to express my devotion to Daddy by attempting to contain all that He is with inadequate words.

Friday, January 7, 2011

He didn't walk away

The road to Jericho is right there. Right there. He could have slipped away. He could have packed up and avoided it all, but He didn’t. Of all the places we went to today the Garden of Gethsemane was the only one that brought me to my knees. The Garden of Gethsemane in my mind’s eye has always been a forest-type place Jesus went to pray one night. It, like many other stories in the Gospel did not connect very well as I read. But today, I saw two things.

One, the Garden of Gethsemane is not a luxurious forest or garden with flowers that sing the praises of God as the sunlight filters through to show Jesus praying. It was an olive grove. It was amidst trees that were used by farmers to produce olives to eat and sell. It was on the Mount of Olives and as Luke 22:39 remarks, was a place Jesus visited often to pray at. It overlooks the city and reminds me of where I sit when I pray while here in Jerusalem. I can see the city and the sunrise and I am extremely humbled. I’ve been reading in First Corinthians and Paul keeps harping on this idea about the Gospel freeing you and, at the same time, calling you to give up your rights for others. Jesus gave up His rights once again, like He had been doing day by day, in the Garden of Gethsemane that night.

The second thing I saw was that the Garden of Gethsemane is surprisingly close to Jerusalem. It is also along a road known as the Ascent of Adumim which leads to the city of Jericho. Jericho is not just a city in the Old Testament that Joshua played music around and the city walls fainted from the amazing Jazz skills of the priests of Israel. Jesus went to Jericho multiple times. He healed a blind man named Bartimaeus there and also hung out with the short guy Zaccheus. Jericho is also mentioned in the parable of the Good Samaritan and the road that Jesus refers to in that story is the Ascent of Adumim. And just outside of Jerusalem, on the road to Jericho, was the Garden of Gethsemane. The agony of His death was upon Him and the way out was right there. If He left now He could slip away. He could have passed on drinking the cup of God’s wrath. But He didn’t. Jesus prayed, “not as I will, but as You will…may Your will be done (Matthew 26:39, 42).” The agony of the cross was not just that it was looming, but that it was looming and He could walk away.

Honestly, the Garden of Gethsemane caught my attention the most today. We saw the Herodium (or Herodion) south of Jerusalem in the West Bank and it was absolutely incredible. Herod the Great defeats the Parthians and then decides to erect this monstrous building upon the site of his victory. But that isn’t enough. Herod decides to cut one hill in half and place it upon the next hill to make it bigger. Water is not readily available so at great expense to himself he brings water to the fortress and stores it in huge cisterns. The banquet-hall-turned-synagogue room was also incredibly preserved. The fortress boasts an amphitheater and excavations have revealed what many believe to be Herod’s tomb. Though there is no definitive evidence because it has been smashed to pieces (not many particularly liked Herod), it is in the fortress and most of the evidence strongly supports that it is his tomb. All of that, along with the barbaric stories of Herod killing his own children and gathering all of the prominent Jewish leaders to have them executed when he died so that people would appear to be mourning his death, was great. It was remarkable. But after walking through it I didn’t take much away except that Herod was off his rocker. And that Roman architecture (because Herod liked to copy it) was gorgeous. It really doesn’t do it for me. What takes my breath away is when we visit places that Jesus stepped foot in. My roommate sometimes laughs at me because I’m going off the spiritual deep end when I talk like this but it really leaves me without words. I walked into the church right next to the Garden of Gethsemane today and I sat down with tears in my eyes and my head in my hands. I was brought low before where my Savior agonized over the toughest decision of His life here on Earth.

I’ll leave you with this thought today: all of the places Jesus was and the stories He used to teach were not crazy holy places and things in which people walked two inches above the ground when they went to the market with golden light following them (ok I may have exaggerated that a bit). But really. Jesus used what He knew and what other people knew. Teach people with things they understand. Tie theological principles to where they are at. Explain to the New Yorker how the guy the Good Samaritan helped was like a stupid guy walking around a dark alleyway in Brooklyn at night. Explain to the Cuban how telling people about Jesus is just like telling stories around the domino table. Use what they know and teach them what you know.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Imagine with me...

So I think running up the steps of the Temple Mount humming the “Rocky” theme song was not anywhere near what was going on in Jesus’ time (not so much because “Rocky” didn’t exist but because running up the steps to a holy place was probably frowned upon). As we sat on the steps of the Temple Mount I imagined the voice of Jesus carrying over the sound of all the people coming in and out. I saw Him pointing to the men carrying heavy loads and remarking what was recorded by the Biblical authors in Matthew 23:4. I watched Him turn and point to the Pharisees turning people away from entering the temple and heard Him say what Matthew recorded in Matthew 23:13. I was very taken aback when Aubrey, our tour guide/professor, explained that the Holy of Holies was sometimes referred to as Heaven because it was where Heaven touched Earth. All of a sudden the words “shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces” from verse 13 became much more concrete. Jesus could very well have played with a double meaning but He was truly an incredible teacher. He used what was around Him to teach common people and grab their attention. Aubrey explained that Rabbis tended to teach at the temple steps. They would gather a big following just because so many people were coming into the temple. Jesus knew how to speak (using memory triggers and things people understood) and where to speak. Just another reason to smile at my Savior.

I’m actually regretting not bringing a camera because all of the sights we are seeing can be used like Jesus used the things around him, as memory triggers for the people I’m speaking to. I want to be able to show them what I have in my mind’s eye when I describe what the text of the Scriptures is describing. The question I plan on wrestling with throughout this trip, the “so, what?” question was blown apart today, especially when we sat right by the pool of Bethesda.

It becomes something so much more different than ruins when I see Jesus in my imagination walking around the areas I’m walking around. I can see Him asking the man if he wanted to be healed (John 5:6). Besides becoming real to me, the stories coupled with the actual place clear up some fuzzy spots my imagination would fill in with incorrect information. Aubrey explained the background of places like the pool of Bethesda where cults believed the various pools in that area had healing powers. Roman soldiers used it many times and it is incredible that Jesus showed up and says, “You don’t need this, I can heal you.”

We had started the day sitting on the roof of what was believed to be the upper room and the room of the last supper. And after walking along the road around the temple and sitting on the steps of the temple my imagination’s thoughts came back to me when Aubrey was talking about the place where it all started, what was going through their minds? Aubrey suggested that since the disciples had the last supper in that house they went back to the same house because the family was sympathetic to Jesus and His followers. I can’t imagine how frightened they must have been. They came back, dejected and scared because they had nowhere else to go. The silence around my locker room when my high school basketball team lost a game does not compare to what must have happened in that room. The craziness that broke out when a voice breathlessly yelled that Jesus had resurrected and the wide-eyed expression of the disciples when Jesus showed up must have been spectacular. I can see why all of this matters. I can see how the Bible becomes more than just a collection of stories. The Old Testament begins to look more like a foundation than a fairy tale. Jesus is a person who made His dwelling among us (a memory trigger that John wrote in John 1:14 that the Israelites would definitely have understood because of the forty years of wandering where they made their dwellings all over the desert). The word in the Greek is literally “tabernacle among us.” John 1 is riddled with memory triggers like this and it is beautiful to see what John means throughout all of these beautiful places in Jerusalem. Today’s field study’s impressions? Imagination coupled with accurate data causes the stories of the Old Testament and the New Testament to become more than awesome, but actually breathtakingly real.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Gospel in All These Ruins

I was absolutely sure I wanted to walk through Hezekiah’s tunnel. I was also absolutely sure that I would never forget what I would see today. For some reason going to places where people are buried doesn’t really do it for me. I don’t understand the draw of seeing bones (or more likely a box or memorial) of someone who lived a long time go and did really great things. What I am most drawn to is places that have significance for what happened there. Places like Golgotha and Hezekiah’s tunnel. My imagination runs wild and I imagine the people. I imagine who they were and what they were thinking. I try to place myself in the same situations and it is absolutely incredible how real everything becomes to me.

Yet, one of the major questions I found myself asking all of today was, so what? So what if I just saw an ancient house that was burned? So what if I just encountered what might be David’s palace? What’s the point? If it is merely to enjoy a great experience fueled by imagination I would find this trip though entertaining a bit pointless. I can get imagination-laden experiences anywhere. If I wanted to see ruins and different cultures I could go places other than Jerusalem and enjoy them more. The issue is I want to become a pastor. It was apparent to me that if I was going to be talking about all these places and people and events in the Bible I should know them as well as I can. But, I do not think that visiting ruins will help me preach well if it does not connect from my notebook to my thoughts.

As I wrestled with this question and asked Aubrey, my professor, I realized something standing on the City of David and reading the psalms inspired by it such as Psalm 121. The “hills” are not just a metaphor and “Mount Zion” is not just a name. These are real people using real places to form word pictures to talk with God. It blows my mind that in Psalm 121:1-2 it says, “I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.” And I was looking around the City of David at all of the hills, the same hills the psalmist was writing about. You look around Jerusalem and everyone around her wants to kill her. She is in the way. She is small. And God has promised to bless her? Where are you God? The Psalmist’s confidence is in Yahweh, the Creator God. All of a sudden this whole trip was centered on one thing, “How do you make the text relevant to the people reading it?” How do you convey what the writer was feeling and thinking? Aubrey mentioned this in class and I was taken aback by how obvious the statement was. The writers of the Bible were not thinking about other people when they were writing. Isaiah did not wonder what his writing would sound like to an American college student or a German theologian.

Besides looking at the context of the Scriptures and placing myself in the shoes of the writers, I answered the question of so what, like this: Each of these places and each of these stories points to the meta-narrative of Christ redeeming all things. I saw the Gospel in City of David when I imagined the psalmist’s passion when he wrote Psalm 121. I saw the Gospel in the Siloam pool when I imagined Jesus healing a man. I saw the Gospel when I imagined Jesus commenting on the eighteen who died under the tower in Siloam explaining how the world works (Luke 13:4-5). Bad things do not just happen to bad people. Bad things just happen. It is the Gospel that reconciles man to God and the Gospel that makes these places relevant to our souls. If the Gospel did not shine through these places they would be just that, places. They would be ruins that tell us about history but do not affect our history. So far, seeing Hezekiah’s tunnel, the City of David, the pool at Siloam, the ruins of the broad wall, and the burnt house, among other things have pushed me to understand the Gospel. I want to see everything through that lens. Granted I do not want to stretch what I am seeing to fit my preconceived notions, but seeing glimmers of Christ and redemption in all these things have made me smile and thank God for a salvation as great as this.

Yesterday in Jerusalem

By the grace of God I have been given the chance to study in Jerusalem for three weeks. These are my daily impressions. Enjoy.

This is yesterday's impression and I will post the next one in a bit.

It is still very unreal to me that I am sitting in Jerusalem as I am typing this. From the first gate we sat on dating back to the time of Herod to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher I was completely amazed. I’m sure everyone talks about how awesome it is to be where Jesus was and to actually go to the places we mispronounce when we do our devotional and all of that is well and good, but what I kept seeing throughout the walking tour was the Gospel, in everything. It began in the classroom when we read Genesis 12:1-3. I was reminded of the dependence that we must have on God. Jesus explains that He does what His Father wants Him to do. The Israelites were placed in a land that forced them to depend on God. God sends the rains and provides for them. There is no river that they can depend on. And so with that idea in mind I began to look for connections between everything we were visiting and learning to the implications of the Gospel in our lives.

When we went into the Church of the Holy Sepulcher I was very cynical. I know, I know, I said I was looking for the connections between the Gospel and what we were visiting, but as I heard that people kiss the artifacts and pray in front of them I felt very awkward. I am very wary of idolatry, attributing power to things rather than God, and trying to reach for God through things. But as Aubrey explained that the expressions of devotion were not idolatrous but acts of love, much like we would use a picture to remind us of a loved one, my heart softened. The first site I encountered was The Chapel of Adam. Above it is where they believe Golgotha was and I was taken aback. I wanted to kiss the rock. I wanted to stand at the railing and cry. I wanted to shout. I wanted to jump. I wanted to show God that I loved Him. I wanted to look at the “picture” and remember that I was missing Him now and soon we would be together. In the rock I saw a huge crack, allegedly from the earthquake the shook the ground when Jesus died, and regardless of “allegedly” or not it was still a symbol that finally I could run into the throne room and He would lower His scepter to me and allow me to speak. What an experience to be under the hill where Jesus died.

I saw so many different cultures interacting throughout the old city. Apparently there are some Jewish men that are so religious that they won't even make eye contact with Gentiles because it might make them unclean. That was definitely a weird thing for me to hear. From Jewish men to Palestinian men to children everywhere, it was a beautiful thing to witness a culture with values so different from my own. We visited a lot of places from the Wailing Wall to the view from Zion’s gate of the Mount of Olives but what I saw the most beauty in was the way the people interacted in the city and the various reminders in the Church of the Holy Sepulcher to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I saw the Gospel, obviously at the site of Golgotha and the empty tomb of Jesus and in the history of Israel. God has been at work redeeming all things from the very beginning of time after sin enslaved all of creation (though God of course knew everything that was going to happen and God is most glorified through everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen). Israel was a nation dependent on God that did not want to be governed by God and many problems resulted because of that. Sin again came to ruin the relationship between man and God and man and man. I want to continue to explore the Old City on my own and I hope to gather a group of people from my group to go exploring, even though everyone seems to be extremely tired from walking for so long. Like I said, it is still very unreal that I am in Jerusalem, but after walking through the Old City and waking up this morning to roosters crowing at dawn, I think I’m finally realizing where I am. And I cannot wait to continue to see Christ and the Gospel in everything we are learning. I want to see His “picture” in everything and remember why I miss Him so much.